LIFE IS TOO SHORT.......

Ive been having this crazy sharp cramp lately. seems like every time it comes, i have to stop everything I'm doing until it passes. Well any who. I have a lot on my mind, Since the whole "peritoneal cancer" thing, i cant help but to think of all the places I would love to go and the things I wish I should have done. Not saying that I'm going to die tomorrow or anything, but when you are faced with the possibility of death in life, you start to analyze things a lot differently. I have this guy friend, and he has pretty much been there, right by my side, throughout the whole "cancer" thing. Any feelings that I may have had in the past towards any man, is 10 times more for this friend of mine. To be in the state that I am in, makes me vulnerable. I mean every women has her insecurity's, but to have this friend of mine accept me with NO HAIR and low heath, WANTING to be there rather than feeling the need in HAVING to be there just means so much to me. I don't think words could even describe that feeling. So in my eyes, having death be so close of an option, I don't want to waste the rest of  my life regretting words or not acting upon actions. I have always lived my life on a short leash. Cautious of the moves I make, Picking, choosing and eliminating who I want to be involved in my life, Not taking enough risks or chances in fear of getting hurt by someone. But that is all of what living is. If you don't take the chance, how will you ever know?  It is easy to regret things that you have done, but harder to regret things that you HAVEN'T. So my good word to all you readers is: LIFE IS NEVER PROMISED TO US. LIVE IT AS IF TODAY IS YOUR LAST. NOT IN A "PARTY ALL NIGHT" TYPE OF WAY, BUT IN A "FEARLESS" "POSITIVE MANNER. DON'T JUST SIT AROUND TALKING ABOUT WHAT IT IS THAT YOU "WANT" TO DO....DO IT! FEELINGS THAT YOU MAY HAVE FOR SOMEONE, TELL THEM! YOU JUST NEVER KNOW. LIFE IS TRULY TOO SHORT.......

WHAT!!!!!!!!!

If diagnosed at an early stage, than there are chances of survival, depending upon on how advanced the cancer is at the time of the diagnosis. Treatment with radiation or chemotherapy and early diagnosis can be of great help. In fact, these treatments can help a patient to survive for a long time. It is often true that if the cancer is found early and treated aggressively, almost half of the patients whose cancer is found early reach the two-year mark and about 20% survive five years. For peritoneal mesothelioma, patients are often informed that they won't be able to live for more than one year. But peritoneal mesothelioma specialists, working in leading cancer centers throughout the world, often report better statistics than this, based upon the clinical trials that they are carrying out.

Ovarian Cancer? NO! Peritoneal Cancer? Im thinking YES!!!!

My doctor is not convinced that I have ovarian cancer. After telling me He's thinking its Peritoneal Cancer, I googled it and found that its called "the Silent & Unknown Killer". WOW, REALLY?!!

A Rare Disease, Cancer of the Peritoneum Can Be Deadly

Hidden in the lining of your abdomen could be a cancer waiting to happen. Few people are even aware of the peritoneum, a membrane that surrounds the abdominal organs. Most people are unaware that inside the abdomen is a thin wall of cells that protects the organs inside by producing a fluid that lubricates them as they move about inside the body. This is called the peritoneum. Peritoneal cancer is a rare disease that sneaks up and hangs around unnoticed by most people until it is a well-developed cancer, when the symptoms begin to show up.  There is no known cause, although a history of breast cancer in the family may be a warning sign. It is rare in young people and even more rare in men.

Symptoms

Peritoneal cancer rarely shows any symptoms until the late stages, and even then they are rather ill-defined. They mimic ovarian cancer, although the ovaries are seldom overly affected by the cancer.

Treatment

An oncologist must determine the stage of the cancer - whether it is confined to the peritoneal layer or if it has metastasized. If it has spread, the extent of the cancer will be determined and appropriate treatments discussed.   Surgery must be performed to remove the tumor and any affected organs; these may include the liver, uterus, ovaries and/or the omentum (a layer of fatty tissue underneath the muscles of the stomach). The lungs and all lymph nodes should be tested, also (MIND YOU, THAT IS WHERE I FOUND MY LUMP)  Chemotherapy usually follows surgery to kill any remaining cancer cells, but in dealing with peritoneal cancer it is often used before the surgery, too. This is because the cancer can be so far-reaching that the surgeon sometimes will try to shrink the cancerous mass before removal.   Radiotherapy, the use of high-energy radiation, may be used to rid the body of cancer cells or reduce the tumor. This can be done from an external beam on the outside of the body, or internal radiation may be used.  If the cancer has spread to too many organs and there is no chance of recovery, or if the patient decides not to undergo further treatment, palliative care is used.

Remission

If the cancer has gone into remission, the patient should be tested approximately every three months for the first 2-3 years; after that the testing should be done at least twice a year. Peritoneal cancer has a high recurrence rate and the cancer patient may have to undergo repeated surgeries and bouts of chemotherapy.

UGHHHH!!!!!!!! WHY MEEEEE???!!!!

                                                  (THIS IS WHAT'S INSIDE ME, YUCK!)

Just when all seems well, life slaps you in the face.

Ive came to my blog page many of times, with blank thoughts of words to share. Last i had posted anything was back when i started my new chemo and i was sharing my feelings upon it. Since then, there hasn't been much to say. Everything has seemed to be going well with my new drug. The day before thanksgiving was my second cycle. But today i got a phone call discussing my lab results.You see, the day before every chemo cycle I have to take blood work to show how my blood count is doing. I originally started out with my white blood cell count being 12 times more than what it SHOULD be. then it went down a little, then back up. Me being on a higher med form should no dought, be very effective on my Cancer by now. but its not. So now I am back to that first day i was told "EBONEY, YOU HAVE CANCER!". My doctor is now recommending me to take a PAT scan rather than a CT scan (a type of x-ray). and if my cancer is continuing not to go down, we have to stop all chemo and i have to get another biopsy surgery performed to see what type of cancer this really is that we are working with. When all seems just dandy in the neighborhood, along comes a bird that shits the biggest dropping on your life. Here i am, stressing off of getting all of my classes ready for school, planning a future for myself, and all along the thought of everything, I lose sight on the reality that I'm not even sure WHERE my life is going at this moment and time in life. Oh how the Lord is testing my faith.

Diddy-Dirty Money ft. Drake - Loving You No More

My Chemo Called "DOXIL"

So I thought I'd let you blog readers see a little of what I have to go through during this time of treatment. As I was doing some research on the medication I'm getting, a lot of things began to sink in.  I was told that This medication may cause certain severe blood disorders (bone marrow suppression leading to low red blood cells/white blood cells /platelets). This can also lower your body's ability to fight infections.

Doxil Side Effects:

Body aches/pains, headache, nausea, vomiting, constipation, diarrhea, stomach upset, and loss of appetite may occur. Nausea and vomiting can be severe. In some cases, drug therapy may be needed to prevent or relieve nausea and vomiting. Not eating before your treatment may help relieve vomiting. Changes in diet and lifestyle, such as eating several small meals and limiting activity, may help lessen some of these effectsd stop bleeding. May cause heart problems, including possibly fatal heart failure.
    Treatment with this drug may sometimes cause hands/feet to develop a skin reaction called hand-foot syndrome (palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia).
  May experience swelling, pain, redness, dryness, peeling, blisters, or tingling/burning of the hands/feet. The symptoms can be made worse by heat/pressure on your hands/feet. Avoid prolonged sun exposure, tanning booths, and sunlamps, as well as unnecessary exposure to heat (e.g., hot dishwater, long hot baths). Avoid pressure on elbows, knees, and soles of feet (e.g., leaning on elbows, kneeling, long walks). I have to wear loose clothing and depending on how severe hand-foot syndrome is, the doctor may give something to reduce the symptoms, or decrease or delay next does of chemo.
Temporary hair loss may occur. Normal hair growth should return several months after treatment has ended.

YES!!!! So next time you would like to complain about your day, just think of what other people have to go trough in life. You may just not have it as bad as you thought.

O. M. "EFFING" G.

I am about to seriously lose it in a minute. My peak point is approaching and I can just feel myself about to blow the ""F" up. WHY????? you MUST be asking right? WELLLLL!!!!! not only do I just sit on my ass all day at home, with nothing in the world to do but lose my damn mind, but now I'm told that because of this piece if crap-like fluid that they pump through my body once a month called CHEMO is the reason I can NO LONGER go to the gym. I'M SAYING!!!! How do doctors really expect me to utilize my time??? Sitting on my ass at home and getting fat is SOOO0OOO motivating to me. GOSH!! What a lovely mental plan these people come up with. SHIT, my grandma was trying to convince me just the other day that i shouldn't be bowling either. I promise, I have such a positive mind set and I try to bring out the good in any situation i am in, but I'm running out of options here. Going to the gym was a way for me to escape this reality of a life I'm living right now. It made me feel good.  But now i am being told that I cant make any repeated movements, such as cutting up fruit. WHO DOES THAT??!!! ERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! "Well what would happen if you do these things anyway, Eboney?'  I'm as hard headed as they come, so of course I had to ask..you know what I was told? "NO GYM, DEFINITELY NO SAUNA. THE HEAT WILL INCREASE THE EFFECTS OF THE DOXIL (my chemo). JUST TAKE IT EASY. LET YOUR BODY BUILD ENERGY TO FIGHT THIS CANCER"  (moment of silence)............................................................
UGH!!!! I'm soooo sick of all the fucking rules already. I just want to be normal again. Do normal things. Live a normal life. HAVE NORMAL HEALTH SO I CAN GO TO A NORMAL FREAKING GYM. Can you believe that I cant even take a normal hot shower or bath?? yup. The heat will redirect the chemo medicine  from where its originally suppose to go......And I know that all of these precautions are for my health and in killing the cancer, But unless any of you readers out there have gone through anything similar, you have NO idea how irritating things are for me right now. AND ON THAT NOTE.....................

1st oF thE mOnth

I hate days like these. Its so nice outside, yet I feel so ugly inside. I walk around the house without a thing in the world to do. Yes I'm sure I can come up with SOMETHING to do. But all options don't seem worth getting up for. I just feel hella lost. The phone calls have seemed to slow down. No one really calls to check on me anymore (besides the ones who were REALLY checking on me from jump). But I figured that would happen. If my phone rings and its a "friend", they only A: need to vent or ask me advice about some unhealthy drama relationship (like they really have something to complain about in life) B: Asking me if I want to go out. Which in a small way that can just be them trying to help by getting me out of the house. But when I pass on the offer the convo is cut short. or C: asking if I would like to hit up a party or happy hour. which in an other case I wouldn't mind, But with this chemo I've been taking, I have no urge to drink. And being around a bunch of drunks is the last thing I want to do.

Is iT reAlly HalLoweEen?

*cracking knuckles* I remember last year, I was out  about, partying my ass off & throwing shots back, ready to get white boy wasted. This year??sitting on my ass drinking a red bull. HAHA!! Who would have thought? But its not such a bad thing. I CHOOSE to stay inn and be a homebody. The whole week before starting chemo, I made it a point to party every night & live it up. Not knowing what to expect from this whole experience. I had a plan. People would tell me that I would get so sick, to the point where I wouldn't want to eat anything & lose weight. With me wanting to shed pounds at that time ANYWAY, I didn't mind. lol. but the opposite happened. I DIDN'T get sick & I DIDN'T lose weight. They put me on a bunch of meds, including steroids, that made me crave the darnest things. Even without "wanting" food, It still made my face fatter then a fat mans. No biggy!!! that just gave me more drive to get my butt into the gym considering I'm on disability & just siting on my butt @ home anyways. BUT NOOOOO!!!! As soon as I'm on a role, getting my workout on, I'm told I have to put  the gym on hold untill I get my white blood count checked. THE HORROR!! So I tell you people, DO NOT take your health for granted. I mean the simplest things that you do on a normal (like going to the gym to work out) can be the things you can no longer partake in. I guess all of this is a wake up call for me in a way. I no longer drink like I use too (not that I was an alcoholic or anything) & i am a more healthy eater as well. I appreciate the good people in my life & hope that my story  I share with you guys can maybe be a testimony for someone who i may run into later in life. People always tell me how positive I am & they have so much respect for me for the way I'm handling this. But its because I feel it in my soul that I will be okay. That first day I was told I have cancer, I started BALLING in front of the doctor & two family members. Anyone who knows me will tell you how much of a "HARD ASS" I am. I don't like to show much emotion in front of people. But that day...I tried SOOO hard to hold it in. I had the biggest knot in my chest & was holding my breath. Thinking about random things to take my mind off of what this doctor just told me. I went home & just sat in the bathroom, towel held to my face, CRYING like everything was just tookin from me. I kept telling myself "No! I do NOT have cancer? This is NOT real". But I never said "God, why me?" I was taught to say "God, Use me" instead. So that night as everything began to really soak in that this is REAL, my attitude completely changed. I then told myself that I have way too much to live for to just be thinking that my life is over. Everything that I have been through in life cant be for nothing. It is DEFINITELY not my time to go. Shoot!! I still have to find the man of my dreams, get married & build a family. I still have a whole new chapter of life just WAITING for me. So this cancer just cant be the end of me. AND SOOOO there goes a little more about me you may not have known *THEEEE END*

Separating the REAL from the FAKE

FIRST OFF! thank you for those who choose to keep up with whats going on in my life these days. For those who like: KNOW ME, know me, you are aware that I keep my friends and associates to a minimum. Less friends, Less drama. I have enough of that in my life these days. Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I guess you can say I did my share of partying. I mean, my work load was extremely crazy. So I got out when ever I could. At this time in my life, I met a lot of cool people. I'm a random type of person, ready to go anywhere at anytime. So many of my  "friends" would call me to hang out on spare of the moment events. I mean it could be 2a.m. and if they needed me to be there, I was there. SOOOOOOOOO ANYWAYS: After discovering my having cancer, My cousin Lisa called me and had a convo with me. Pointing out that in this moment of time, i would see who is really there for me and who isn't. HELLOOOOO!!!!! was she ever so correct. I'm talking, people who I NEVER would have expected to NOT be there, had my back more than the people i just KNEW would be there. I felt in a way that now because I'm not an asset to them any longer, that I was just so easy to dispose of. "Oh, Eboney cant party with us anymore, no need in calling her." "Oh, Eboney cant get drunk with us anymore, Leave her be" BLAHzayBLAH-Till this day, there are certain people that have not picked up the phone to give a simple courtesy call. But yet I have females who couldn't STAND MY ASS back in the day, hitting me up on FB praying for me. Even strangers who don't know me from a whole in the wall hit me up. I just find it crazy. But I'm grateful for it. Because now I know who is truly there for me and who just looked at me as "Fun party girl Eboney who was down for the ride". I hopped off that party bus a LOOOONG time ago. THANK YOU to those who generally care.

Day one after chemo

OK, so i guess there are some things on my mind today. Lets start with how my first day of "after day" chemo went for me.I woke up this morning, expecting to feel real shitty like, because of course, that's how i always feel after chemo. But i felt like my normal self today. Kinda took me off guard a bit, thinking it would catch up to me later. So I started my day by going to my friends studio to record a song. Still felt my normal self. I got home around 2 and it was ugly looking outside, and anytime its ugly out, i feel ugly inn. At these times a lot of emotions flow through my body. and its never about one thing. Its every little thing that I seem to always put behind me and hold in. Things I want to deal with at a different time. I play the cool, calm and collected role so much, that things really start to build up and get to me at times. straight up out of nowhere even. I become real defensive over the littlest things and moody as hell. I HATE when i act like that. So after refusing to stay in the house ALL BY MYSELF tonight,  I came to my cousin's house, which was a good idea because she had bible study. So that refreshed my spirits a lot. I still feel like my normal self. Missing my boo thang *smile* maybe i will talk more about him later on, depending on how things play themselves out. Just know that it really feels good to have a special person in your corner, willing to fight not only for you, but with you, during hard times like these.

Day 1 of new chemo

I woke up this morning at 8:30 a.m. to get ready for chemo. They started at about 10 something and ended at 1:20. I must say it went pretty spiffy. I don't have to take tones of medications before and after like before. Meaning I CAN LOSE THIS UNWANTED WEIGHT i have gained. My aunt had the nerve to ask me if I have been eating everything in sight? TAKE NOTES TO THIS PEOPLE: what YOU might think is just a joke and funny, can be as serious as EVERRRRR to the next person. See me? I am very picky about my body, always have been. So when someone gives me notice that i have put on some pounds and make jokes about it, i get internally pissed. That's why i been in the gym lately. I have to take a week off after chemo because i have to avoid hot places (that means my oh so favorite sauna) and no repetitive movement (No elliptical) Good thing its all only for a week, then ill be going SUPER hard in the paint for the next 3 weeks up until we do it all over again.I had two friends of mine call me during chemo, and instead of checking on me, they were trying to get me to do something with them. i mean I know i say i don't like to be treated any different just because i have cancer, but DAMN! have some Mercy on my chemo people. I cant just hop out the chemo chair like "OK, time to go to happy hour". I be WORE OUT! but i still love y'all. I CANT WAIT TILL MY HAIR GROWS BACK!!!!!!!

Bad weather

Today is ugly outside and it makes me feel ugly as well. I had planes to go out tonight, but after getting a phone call from my doctor about starting my new chemo tomorrow at 9a.m., Im feeling a little "blah". It sucks because halloween is right around the corner and I might feel too much like shit to even do anything. My friends try to help me and try to get me out the house, but my spirits just dont have enough energy to WANT and do anything. Then I try to MAKE myself get up and go, to be active, but I just feel ready to go home everytime. THATS ABOUT ALL I HAVE TO SHARE FOR THE MOMENT!

a Bit off the tOpic (My cup Cake BloG) LoL

Lets get on a more personal level now. This is still involving my cancer condition, but its on a more positive, ROMANTIC note. About a month before I found out I had cancer, I was in a relationship with this guy. BOOOOOO!!! (could have done without him Considering he was a cheater at that.)>>>>ANY WAYS<<<<after being with someone for two years (good or bad) you miss that feeling of having them there. How do I describe it? You just really want that support system, the feeling of being NEEDED by your partner. Just knowing that they are there, even if it's just to argue. HA! Well, i didn't want what was offered to me. I needed more then that. So we broke up on bad terms because of all the lying, cheating a denying. Not too long after the ugly break up, I found out about the cancer. OH JOY!!! MORE DRAMA TO ADD TO MY LIFE. That was the one time I actually "wanted" him around, because as much as people were there for me, supporting me, I still felt alone.  It was kind of depressing at first, But everyone knows how much of a BEAST I am, so I sucked it up and went on with life. ABOUT A MONTH LATER....An old  friend of mine came into my life and gave me some unexpected feelings, that were long overdue. I believe I was LOOKING for something that WASN'T there in my last relationship. But with this "old friend" of mine, I was looking for NOTHING and came upon EVERYTHING. Now- I'm not the corny type by far, and I can read a phony nigga on his best day, but this old friend of mine was REAL. And "REAL" recognise "REAL" off top. To be in a situation like mines in life, It comes with a lot of "worries" and "what ifs". But Everyday that I spent with this "old friend" of mine had erased any concerns I may have had. With me being OBSESSED with my hair and no longer having any, He made me still feel beautiful and dominant. Any other day, I'm dodging the idea of walking outside with a scarf on my head. But while chilling with him, i would forget all about it. He not only lets me know that he wants to be there for me, but he SHOWS me as well. and a man of action is a powerful thing. POW!!!!! I can have a million people be there for me, supporting me, but I don't believe that they can amount to the feeling that this old friend of mine shares with me. (Sorry y'all, I still love you and appreciate each and everyone of you *SMILE*) To my OLD FRIEND: "thank you" for being so supportive of me and having my back the way you do. (you know who you are) I'M OUT LIKE A BURNT LIGHT BULB-YEEEEE!!!!

Utilizing My Time...

Fresh home from the gym. With all the meds I've been taking for chemo, I've been gaining a lot of weight. I look at pictures from before I've started and recent. NOT a goo look. My whole life i have been a little thing. Very insecure about my size. But what girl isn't? ANY WHO!!! I hate when people acknowledge the pounds Ive put on. like helloooo,  I do own a mirror people!! . UGH!!! So the doctor called me today. I start new chemo this week and because its stronger, they will be giving me less meds rather then me spending 70 bucks EVERY three weeks on the little sh!ts..And I'm suppose to have less side effects. I really don't feel too bad during or after chemo. Well that all depends on what you consider "bad". I take these pills that control the nausea feeling I'm suppose to have. The best way to explain the feeling of chemo is like having a week long hangover. you know that crappy feeling that just makes you want to stay in the bed and recover?? then just add some constipation to it and that's chemo for you. After that one week is over your back to normal. Oh yeah, that week after chemo, your immune system is really weak so your more prone to get sick, so you have to stay away from big crowds of people and babies. If you get a temp of 102 or higher you have to go to ER right away. i cant say that i have been obeying all rules that come with "cancer & chemo" but I've been blessed so far. I don't like to feel the need to change anything I do on a daily basis because I don't like the feeling of cancer taking over my life. I want to take over cancer.I'm still a normal person. don't get me wrong, I Cherish my health, and it sucks to say that a lot of us take that for granted. A big thing I think about a lot is the thought of not being able to have children. And it kills me when people say "You can adopt" or "Your health is more important. don't worry about that". We are only humans living in the present trying to get to our futures. And eliminating the thought of having a family in my future is like ripping a chapter of my life out. Yes i CAN adopt, but its just not the same. regardless of what ANYBODY says. i feel like i am damaged goods at times. Its like taking a mans penis away from him...what good is he then??? lol. BUT!!!!!!! I am a strong believer of the powerful man above, and ANYTHING is possible through the faith in him. Hmmmm....Lets see, Anything else??? (you guys are good if your still reading this..love you lots). I'm gonna' go ahead and start a new topic on a new blog to keep things fresh. MOVING ON!!

FIRST TIME BLOGGER

OK, so Ive always wanted a blog, and BAM!!! My good friend Rugi agreed that I should have one to share my story and keep you people updated. On What? you may be asking. MY CANCER DUUUUH!!!!
 In the beginning of September, I was told I have stage 4 ovarian cancer. It started with a hard, non-painful lump on the side of my neck. I had it for about a month before getting it checked out. I mean, who would EVER think they would wake up with cancer all of a sudden??? at the age of 25 for at that. (NOT ME)  SOOOOO, after being given some antibiotics, a week later the lump was still there, I was given an x ray for my neck. Results came back and showed that WHATEVER it was in my neck, there was more where that came from. Not ONLY did I have that one lump, but several more around the area, including my chest. So then I was given ANOTHER x ray from my chest down. Come to find out, There was more activity found on my ovaries. Up until last week, the doctors have been going back and forth to conclude, if in fact, I have ovarian cancer because the lump was found in my NECK, so they were indecisive to where the cancer originally started. The specialty doc at UC Davis didn't even want to believe it was ovarian, but after multiple blood test and biopsy's, Results show that it couldn't be non other than OVARIAN CANCER!!!!! Let me rewind and explain what stage 4 means. Oh! please believe I had a break down after I heard "STAGE 4" because that's the highest stage you can be. But all it means is that it has already left the area from which it originally occurred. BLAH!
OH, GET THIS!!!! I was getting chemo once every 3 weeks for 6 cycles, but the chemo wasn't working on my cancer. So now I'm WAITING on a stronger chemo med. Good thing is my hair will grow back because hair loss isn't a side effect, BUT DAMN!!! that means my hair fell out for NOTHING! whatever....So that's where I'm at right now.....just waiting. WHO DOES THAT!!! me, duh. Hope that was an exciting first time blog. Ill have much more to come. NEVER A DULL MOMENT IN THE LIFE OF EBONEY!!!!